A Sparrow's Lament
by abirdinhercage
Summary: Satine's POV after she tells Christian that she is staying with the Duke. Warning: slightly mature themes


"_Something's happened. Tell me the truth!"_

"_The truth is…I am the Hindi Courtesan. And I __**choose**__ the maharaja."_

I uttered these words and felt the world, the perfect world we worked so hard to make for ourselves, shatter into thousands of pieces, unable to repair. His face crumpled, the features I loved so much break their resolve. I feared that if I held his gaze any longer, I too would break, break down and tell him the whole truth. I lowered my eyes to the ground and hurried out the door.

I wanted to tell him, oh how I wanted! To fall at his feet and confess, "I'm dying Christian! Every second I'm getting closer to it! And the Duke- The Duke! He's going to kill you!"

But of course, I didn't. Why?

Because I loved him too much. And I couldn't stay around to see him killed, physically or emotionally. Yes, Zidler was right, better to break it off now, so he wouldn't hurt later. By and by, he would get over it.

Who was I kidding? He would never get over this. Neither of us would. For who else has felt a love like ours?

"_Never knew I could feel like this,_

_Like I've never seen the sky before…"_

I heard our song, and his voice singing it, from the lobby of his hotel all the way back to the Moulin Rouge. When my mind ran over the "Come What May" part pain shot through my heart, and I coughed harder, bloodier.

"Did you tell him?" Zidler asked, not gently, but not harshly all the same. I could only look at him, not trusting myself to answer.

Nini, my co-worker and my nemesis of sorts strutted by. "She told him," she sneered. I could tell that she thought this to be a major victory for her.

Zidler gave me a half-smile. "Will you be ready for tonight, sparrow?" he asked. I nodded, because it was the answer I was expected to give.

"But are you ready for _tonight _tonight? That is the big question," Nini said sweetly, though we all knew that her words meant anything but sweet.

Marie glared at the prostitute. "'Course she's ready, she's _been waiting for weeks now, hasn't she_?" Clearly Nini had conveniently forgotten that my relationship with Christian was supposed to be alleged.

Zidler continued as if Nini's outburst had not occurred. "That reminds me, my dear. You've lost a bit of weight, so a last minute fitting is required of you…"

I tuned him out, focusing instead on Toulouse. He was looking at me with a mixture of confusion and pain, as if I had broken his heart too. I could tell he was about to say something, when we all heard a commotion outside.

Zidler jumped. "Goodness, what IS that?"

A workmen, dripping wet from the rain (unusual, for this summer had never seen rain as of yet), stumbled in. "Sorry 'bout that," he said sheepishly. "Trouble wif' a com'ner outside, but we too' care o' him." He flexed his muscles menacingly.

"Thank you, Raoul," Zidler waved him away. Raoul left, but not before attempting to make a pass at Nini, who giggled theatrically and swatted him away. It's rather sickening, this whole business.

"I think I'm going to prepare now," I said to no one in particular, leaving the ballroom. No one noticed me, what with all the last minute preparations for _Spectacular Spectacular!_

Instead of going to the dressing rooms, I headed instead for the elephant. There was a time when I thought of it as a safeguard, a place to hide from the world and dream of what could be.

Now, as I paced the Hindi boudoir, it seemed mocking, taunting me. "_You could have flown away…"_ it spoke to me. "_You could have flown away…and now you're caged. Forever."_ A large black chest caught my eye. I had seen it before, I had used it many, many times.

China Doll had dubbed it "_Poitrine de Diamants." _Roughly translated, the Chest of Diamonds. Yes, the contents of the chest consisted entirely of diamonds. Gifts from wealthy men who had taken an interest in me over the years.

I dragged the chest to the eye of the elephant. Opening it, I ran my fingers over the sparkling jewels, glinting in the rising moon. I used to prize these, count them nightly, accuse the other dancers of stealing them.

_God, I used to be such a fool, _I thought bitterly. Well not anymore. One by one, I flung each diamond necklace, earring, and bracelet out of the elephant and into the open sky. They soared through the air, a brilliant diamond rainfall, twinkling in the air and showering the pavement with sparkles.

My hand touched wood. Only one item left. I scooped it out. A diamond pin in the shape of a bird, a sparrow to be exact. My first trophy. I fingered it gently for a moment before tossing it out too. It felt such a relief to be rid of my riches.

A soft breeze blew by, spattering droplets of rain onto my face. It felt unusually comforting. I wanted more. Gathering my skirts, I climbed up the stairs, to the top of the elephant.

I remember the last time I was up her. The night of the Duke, the night of Spectacular Spectacular…the night of Christian. When he told me he loved me, and I agreed to love him. That being said, I didn't give into him easily.

"_Silly of me…to think you could fall in love with s-someone like me."_

"_Christian…I can't afford to fall in love with anyone."_

I was right. I couldn't afford to fall in love. And yet I did. I risked everything, and lost everything, for eternal love.

"Christian…oh Christian…"I whispered. And that was when the tears came, hard and fast. They fell from my face onto my lap, onto the roof, mixing with the rain. "I'm so sorry Christian," my sobs were beginning rock my body, making my shudder and gasp for breath. I coughed, and sputtered, and sobbed.

I heard footsteps. Marie ascended from the stairs. "Satine!" she shrieked. "What are you doing up here? You shouldn't be outside in the rain, especially in your condition!" she scolded. My condition. That's what got us into this mess. I threw my face in my hands, like the dramatic girl I was.

Marie placed her hand on my back. "Come inside, you're a mess," she said gently. Numbly, I followed her back down the stairs.

She soaked a rag in warm water and began to scrub my face. "Look here, you've gotten your makeup completely ruined and your supposed to go on in an hour!" she scolded again, but her heart wasn't in it.

I let her place her administrations on my face, and then my hair. My mind was still far away, specifically in a certain hotel room belonging to a certain someone.

"Oh yeah…the Duke paid a call. He requested to see you." Marie flashed me a look of sympathy and distaste. "He asked, no, _ordered _me to tell you that he expects you promptly after the performance." I inwardly groaned. Of course. After the show, I would have to sleep with the Duke.

Marie gestured to the door. "Come on love, it's Showtime."

I hesitated. "I'll be one minute, Marie."

She nodded and left. I reached into my nightstand and pulled out the one item I owned that no one knew about…a small, yet still deadly, silver dagger.

Whatever happens tonight…I don't plan on living to see morning. I'm sorry Christian, but I can't live without you.


End file.
